Beware of Corporate Ghetto Talk
The following is the ultimate in empty gestures, double negatives, double entendres and sweet talk, delivered in deadpan form and perpetuated by the worst case of corporate weenies. Corporate ghetto talk is all the superficial, inane language that sales people receive on a regular basis that has them going down blind alleys, chasing their tail and operating under false hope.
"Thanks for reaching out with your touch points. We will gladly circle back and close the loop with you, and run parallel paths as we drill down, and do a deep dive on your deliverables. We will be sure to keep cycles in check as we ramp up, gain traction, scale up and see how this fits into our corporate silos. This way we can do a 30,000 foot overview on mutual synergy to diminish any future pushback. Feel free to ping us off-line and online so we can do any realign necessary for your takeaways. The net/net, this is a win/win. We will stay in touch, and be in touch and do not hesitate to touch base down the road for future sidebars."
I also see a lot of the following; "We are always open to new ideas. We never like to close the door on new developments in the marketplace. Nothing is out of the question. Things are always evolving so we do not rule out anything. We have never done anything like that, but that certainly does not mean that we would not. We are not saying no, yet we are not saying yes, we are saying not now. That is not to say in the future things could not change. We never like to say never. Having said that you know anything is possible. You just never know, we will always keep it on the table for future discussion. We always like to keep our options open. We like to keep an open mind to what is new so feel free to keep lines of communication open."
My all time favorite is: "It is a definite maybe! Without question, even though nothing is carved in stone, all things being equal, there is a strong likelihood, a definite possibility, down the road, in the near future, if nothing changes, baring any unforeseen circumstances, we are going to form a special committee, steering counsel, advisory board, and task force, that will appoint a special blue ribbon commission, which will anoint a special subcommittee and ad-hock panel, that will convene a board of governors, and they will take it up the flagpole to get a quick approval and rubberstamp from the CEO, CIO, CMO, CFO, and we will definitely be getting back to you." But wait there is more. "Since you are at the top level now where nothing is actually executed, we need you to go down to procurement (the valley of death) where they will dot the I's and cross the T's." Meaning you have to start all over again, and they will beat the tar out of you. Then sales people with the best of intentions contact the manufacturing plant and tell them to stop everything and order the raw steel from China, we have a game changer order. We have all seen this type of massive cluster mess.
Corporate ghetto does not operate in a vacuum. It was created to combat the meaningless avalanche of corporate product dribble that sales people heap on customers, and old school tactics of manipulation like ABC (always be closing), and AIDA (attention, interest, desire, action) that are still alive and well today. The form of delivery for product dribble for many sales people is the following:
- Grip and grin
- Pump and dump
- Featch and preach
- Hope and quote
- Pitch and ditch
- Cram and jam
- Gun and run
- Bring and brag
- Show and tell
- Pray and spray
- Show up and throw up
- Sell until they buy or die
- Grab them by the tie, pull them down and do not let them go until they buy.